So here I am. I've got all these things going on in me. Things I can't really tell anyone. The great thing about this tho, is I can tell all you and you don't even know who I am. I can get all this out and you can judge me or love me or hate me and I'll never have to care. So here it is...
I should start with who I am
I'm 20 and I grew up in a tiny town. I was always the sweetheart cuz no one knew exactly what was going on. Don't get me wrong, I am sweet, but there's more to it than that. I was raised by, what I believe, are the two most amazing parents in the world. My daddy has spoiled me from the day I was born, but never hesitated to give a little tough love. My mom happens to be the most selfless women on the planet and I can't count the number of times she's gone without so I could have extra.
I have a little bro who's this super star. He plays 3 varsity sports at 15. His grades aren't great but he's adorable. Honestly, this kid hit the gene pool jackpot. People say we look just alike. I can't be offended. He has gorgeous eyes.
I now go to school about three hours away from my home town. It’s far enough away, but not too far. I’m double majoring in something I used to care about, but don’t anymore and my passion- politics. I’m sure I can say more about that another time.
But here I am, totally messed up from the inside and I’m sure it shines out. I used to have this glow about me. I know I did…people told me. That shine, that glow- it’s gone. It’s not that I’m bored or really depressed or anything. But I know what’s missing. GOD! That goes back to the way I was raised.
I was always raised in the church. They made me go when I didn’t want to and for that I will be forever in debt to them. I didn’t always believe it. Sometimes I hated it, I hated it soooo much. I hated that they made me look perfect and smile and pretend. But then one day the smiles weren’t pretending anymore and all those praise songs I sang began to mean something to me. Now here I am, years later, singing those same songs and making them the soundtrack to my life.
I guess the other big thing you should know about me is this- I’m waiting till I’m married to have sex. It depends on how you look at it. I think it’s big. I know it is because after 20 years of standing up to everyone it becomes huge. But again, that’s just how I was raised. I think I was 11 or 12 before I figured out that not everyone waited. I remember that day…it was terrible. That was the day that I figured out I was going to be different and it wasn’t going to be easy. It hasn’t been. Not at all! But it’s been worth it in so many ways. So that’s this huge thing following me around all the time. Not just the fact that I don’t have sex when almost everyone else in my life does- but the fact that I have thought about, loved and prayed for the man that I will one day marry since I was 12 years old…that’s big, at least to me.
I’m almost 21. If you would have told me 5 years ago that I would be where I am now, at this age, I would have laughed at you. I had this great plan. I would fall in love young with this perfect man. This man that God had made for me and it would be a fairy tale (I have watched way to many Disney movies). I always wanted to get married young and I know I still am, but at the very least I thought I would be in a serious relationship now. I’m not. I haven’t been. Not really.
Ya wanna know why? Because my standards are too high. I have this whole list of about 75 things that I started and kept adding to. It’s a list of qualities that I’ve prayed my husband will have. This princess part of me honestly believes that there is a man out there just for me-a man that God created with me in mind. I have to believe that, or so much of this is a waste. I still do believe that but then there’s this logical part of me that thinks of 6 billion people in this world there’s no way that “true love” even stands a chance. I guess we’ll see. But until the world proves me wrong I’ll keep believing that he’s there. I’ll keep writing him love letters and saying a prayer for him every night. I’ll post some of those someday.
So while everyone else is out screwing around, I’m doing my best to stay “pure”. How many times have I said that word and no one gets what it really means? How many times have I ALMOST crossed that line into messing up what I believe in? Too many to count but that’s a whole different story.
There it is -this big part of me that no one really understands. Not that I expect anyone to, but at least I can say I got it out. There’s so much more to this and I’ll have to write about it soon. For now tho, that’s gunna be what you get.
